Phantom limbs

I was listening to This American Life - again - and it was that episode about phantom limbs.
The phantom limb phenomena is what happens to people that have their arms, leg or hands amputated but afterwards can still feel their limbs. They can feel it hurting. They can feel it moving...even though, it is not there.
I got on the bus late at night today, trying to make my way home in the cold, misty Daily City fog. Then I smelt it:
The fresh scent of laundry and Iguana.
(I was never able to figure out what that fabric softener was; but I am sure even if I did I would never be able to recreate it)
That scent triggered a flood of memories: places, people and more than anything the simplicity of my life in the time of my first love...
in the midst of my current worries, hopes, my organizer full of " To Do's": study to be done, dinner at 7, pick up the car, go to the bank, get the tickets, deadline on Wednesday; from the middle of my everyday life I was transported back to a time of anguish and love, failures and hopes. And I could feel it.
I could feel the desperation, I felt the uncertainty through which I kept going.
The memories of my past felt like a screaming amputated limb.
and even though I have never been in a battle I feel like a veteran.
and I wonder if I will ever be able to forgive myself for what I have done in the name of the cause.
and I wonder if a war can be won when so many limbs and lives have been lost.