Conformity

I was chatting with an Ex- Smoker friend about my recent leap to the non-smoking section. She said she was proud I was doing so well, and she understood how hard it is. And I mentioned to her that, really, it hasn't been that hard.
That got me thinking: the reason it hasn't been that hard for me to quit smoking is because, beyond the chemical addiction, (and believe me I have been a heavy smoker (2 packs a day in high School a pack a day after that)since the age of 14 and if anyone was ever hooked on nicotine it was me) my smoking was about doing what I wanted, when I wanted and after years of peer pressure, anti-smoking marketing, taxes and bla bla bla, I simply tired, I gave up and conformed.
And turns out that conforming is not hard, it does not hurt, it's not a sacrifice.
It is just tolerable. And it's not that I don't want cigarettes anymore, I am just numb.
Before my quitting, when friends mentioned I should quit because it stinks I quietly thought to myself they were sellout, suckers who easily changed who they were to be accepted; when people told me that it was "no longer cool" I always smiled and thought that they were retarded (fucktarded to be precise) if they were still trying to be cool at 23, and on and on - I did all this in my head while smiling and replying "You are right, I should quit" {Fuck you, I am Asian and I will fake nice all I want.}
They were THEY, and I was proudly "I, Mari - The Smoker"
But I am 26, and I live in the US of A. I am bombarded by anti-smoking adds, my doctor and dentist were up my ass, my grandpa has emphysema, and my friends kept bugging me. Not to mentioned my mother in law and other members of Joe's family who talked of "Babies" and "My Smoking" with great disapproval, and hope.
So I give in. That last part of ME.
Quitting smoking hasn't been that hard simply because I am too tired to keep at it.
It's not that I don't want cigarettes anymore, I want to smoke, it's that I accept the fact that I can't always have what I want.
I will always want to smoke, but I will never smoke again.
My quitting smoking is to me what accepting that the person you love will never love you back is to more evolved human beings.
Like so many other things in life, I give up. I am moving on, and growing up.

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And I acknowledge that considering being a Smoker a pillar in my sense of self and identity is kind of sad...But, seriously, it was the best I could do in my early twenties.